I’m exhausted.

For the past five days, I have been battling the intertwined demons of sore throat, sinusitis and my period. Needless to say, although I will, sleeping in a prone position has been impossible, sleeping sitting up has been difficult, and sleeping full stop has been essential.

Can you tell I’ve been listening to Stephen Fry’s podgrams on iTunes?

As you may remember, I hate being sick. But I’ll tell you this: nothing is worse than being sick with loads to do and no one to look after you. So, I am double-hating being sick right now.

It’s been a busy week, apart from the one day I took off to try and nurse myself through this cold in its first days—a futile effort—and no doubt this next week is going to be a challenge, also.

I once read somewhere that if you are really sick, your period won’t come; that all the stuff that your body needs in order to menstruate will be needed elsewhere. I have never found this to be the case. In fact, I have found that the colds which took the longest to get rid of, that were the messiest and most unpleasant to suffer through, were the ones which just happened to start at the beginning of my monthly. So it is today.

My mind meanders off into strange territory when I am sick, but it’s really hard to enjoy it when I otherwise feel as if I am swimming in soup.

1. There are certain people I just can’t ask for help with certain things, or for support in certain endeavours.

2. Cats don’t purr on command. Mo especially.

3. Go back to sleep.

1. I was petrified of drinking alcohol, and fanatically against other people drinking it, until I was 25. My biological father is an alcoholic, and growing up, I was always told, “you’re so much like your Dad.” Well, I didn’t WANT to be like my father. His lack of control over even the most basic pleasantries while drunk was not something I wanted to emulate, and when I saw a lot of the same behaviours in my peers, I was glad I wasn’t “cool.” I took a mixology (bartending) course when I was 26. I learned that alcohol can be mixed like, and with, food, and that has made all the difference. I can control my alchol intake and I stop when I have had all than I want. I am not like my father.

2. This school year has been the best of my entire life. I feel as if I belong, and it is the best feeling in the world.

3. I love the novels of Agatha Christie. My favourites are Murder on the Orient Express, Death on the Nile and The Moving Finger.

4. Eventually, I do everything I say I am going to do–well, maybe not everything. I’m not likely to strangle my sister, P, or hate my friend, Ben’s, next girlfriend. But I *did* go back to school…

5. I like to cook and bake and stitch…all very domestic-y things. But I hate cleaning.

6. I forgot my notes for my presentation on Friday in the Film Society office, so I couldn’t work on it this weekend…my partner is going to kill me.

7. I don’t have an all-time favourite movie. Like most Film students, there are simply too many for me to make such a limited choice. I do, however, have a top ten.

8. I really, really, REALLY don’t care who wins Oscars this year…except I would like to see Heath Ledger be remembered properly by the Academy. It would be absolutely ridiculous for him to be recognized everywhere else, but not there.

9. I miss my cable TV. There, I said it.

10. I went to a psychic last weekend. Interesting reading, which I won’t share here.

When Barack Obama was elected back in November, I kept being reminded of the Nina Simone song, Feeling Good:

Birds flying high
you know how I feel
Sun in the sky
you know how I feel
Breeze drifting on by
you know how I feel

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life for me…

I feel today is a great day, a new day, a new dawn, a new life for all Americans, and for everyone who has faith and hope in the future all over the globe.

Join with me in celebrating today’s inauguration of President Barack Hussein Obama.

I skipped school today. I had two classes, one was a screening of an Iranian film I have NOT seen, and now I am going to have to play catch-up. Why did I do this to myself? The answer is dumb, really dumb.

I stayed home waiting for a parcel.

Which never arrived.

I told you it was dumb, but please, there are a multitude of reasons for staying home for this particular parcel. I bought some make-up to use in my film; it’s a fantastic M*A*C cosmetics product called “Pigments,” and they are only available online or at their stores. They do have cosmetic counters in The Bay stores in Canada, but they don’t offer the Pigments at the counters—and the closest M*A*C store is in Toronto. They were offering something like 30% off all purchases online, and since there was free-standard shipping, I saved a bundle. Well, I saved a bundle of money, but I got an enormous headache.

The parcel service attempted to deliver the parcel on Thursday, when I was in school. Then, they attemped to deliver it Friday, but I missed them. They left a message saying they would deliver it today, so I decided to stay home to wait for it.

5:00 p.m. rolled on by, and no phone buzz from the intercom system had sounded, and nobody had knocked on my door, so I phoned their offices to enquire about said delivery. The guy on the phone was very helpful, but he said that someone had attempted to deliver the parcel at 10:51 a.m.

I call BULLSHIT. I was home all day. I stayed OFF the phone to make sure anyone trying to buzz my apartment would get through. I expressed my anger in as polite a way as possible (I promise, I didn’t swear at the guy or blame him), and he took my information and said he would have the local depot call me back to arrange a new delivery time—possibly tonight.

I stayed off the phone, waiting again. I was not happy with the results of the succeeding phone call. The bitch on the phone said the driver had attempted to call, but had to leave a message. Further, that the supervisor was standing right next to him when he did this (in my lobby).

Again, I call BULLSHIT. There is no message on my phone. She did acknowledge that perhaps he buzzed the wrong apartment. I told her that’s not my fault.

When I asked if someone could bring it out to me tonight, as was suggested by the dispatch, she said that the driver had gone home; that he’s only allowed to work a certain number of hours, and he had done so for that day.

She wanted to have him bring it out another day this week, but unfortunately, he’s on a “run” and is ONLY in my neighbourhood between 10:30 and 11:30 in the morning–times when I am either IN class, or on my way TO class on the bus. I explained this and asked if later in the day would be all right. She said, “no.” I further explained that I didn’t have a car, and that a trip to their depot, which is out in the boonies, would be extremely inconvenient and expensive for me.

I asked if I would be re-imbursed for my cab fare…and she laughed at me. I did say, “I realize this is a ridiculous question from your point of view, but the fact is, it’s an otherwise avoidable expense. Your driver did not leave a message on my phone, and no call came through on my line today—and I have been home ALL damned day waiting for this. I skipped school just to wait for this.” She didn’t care. She told me there was nothing else she could do for me. I took the depot’s address and hours of pick-up and hung up the phone, pissed right the HELL off.

Oh, and the kicker? When I went up to the lobby to check, THERE WAS NO DELIVERY NOTICE WHATSOEVER. Someone has been lying to me.

Plus, their pick-up hours are utterly LAUGHABLE. Monday to Friday, 7:30 a.m. to 12:00 p.m., and then 5:00 to 6:30 p.m. That’s all. So…I am going to have to get up at some UNGODLY hour before Friday, take the bus to the farthest possible bus stop in the city, then phone for a cab to take me to the depot, and reverse the process. I am NOT happy.

I’m going to have to check before I buy things on-line from now on, to make sure the company uses a parcel service I can get decent customer service from.

The lesson I learned today was, DON’T SKIP SCHOOL FOR PARCELS, EVEN IF YOU DON’T HAVE “PROPER” PHOTO ID. (proper photo ID is either a driver’s license or a passport…I have neither).

ETA (8:01 PM EST): Thanks to Nicole and Josh at the Depot (they phoned me), I will get my parcel tonight. Josh is making a special trip. W00T!!!

Benjamin Alan Varkentine, in his continuing quest to torture and embarrass me, has tagged me to put up a little pic.

The rules are:
1. Go to the 4th folder in your computer where you store your pictures.
2. Pick the 4th picture in that folder.
3. Explain the picture.
4. Tag 4 people to do the same!

I am not going to tag anyone, but here is the picture:

Those are my eyes in all their hazel-y glory. About a year ago, I traded in some points I had accrued on some card or another, and got a 7.1 point-and-shoot digital camera. This is one of my first test shots. At one point, I had it as my profile picture on Facebook.

I know it seems vain, but really, the 4th folder is labelled, “Shots,” and it’s all stupid stuff I took with the camera, some of which I’m embarrassed to say I took. So there.

1. Wednesdays are going to SUCK. I have one hour of class at 9:30 in the morning, then nothing until 3:30 p.m. Ugh.

2. (On watching LiveAid) WHY did Midge Ure wear a pair of grey dress pants, long-sleeved, grey-striped button-down shirt done up to the top button AND a grey overcoat??? If IRC, July 13, 1985 was one of the hottest days of the year in London. Well, at least his grey guitar matched…

3. I have a guy coming to take a look at my computer, as the sound is staccato sometimes. When I described the problem, he suggested my logicboard might be dying. Oh. No. I still haven’t gotten my MacBook back from the repair guy. I can’t afford to be computer-less, what with my ADD and everything.

4. I had the mother of all headaches today, and I think it’s because I had too much sugar this morning.

5. I found out I can write about my favourite Agatha Christie novel for my first English essay, and I am HAPPY, HAPPY.

6. I think I have forgotten what non-solo sex feels like.

1. I had a very productive meeting with my co-director of the Film Festival. We’re going to have a great event, I can tell!

2. I got 78 on my final film project for my intermediate aesthetic class. I need to step it up and just do better in the advanced course this semester.

3. One of my profs forewent the idea of a course pack, and has put all the required readings online. Cha-ching! in savings.

4. My English course starts off nice ‘n’ slow, and then ramps up to one novel per week. Lotsa reading on weekends. The prof has also directed us to five short stories to get online.

5. I am already out of printer paper, and it’s only the first day of class.

6. I did everything on my list today, and I feel like I accomplished a great deal!

7. I miss Esso and the cats treeemendously.

8. Now I can relax and watch a DVD!

I used to have a cheeky little motto. It went something like this: “Lucky in life, unlucky in gambling.” It summed up the fact that, no matter what the odds are, if I lay down money in hopes of getting more back, I will always and inevitably lose what I put out in the first place.

On the other hand, it also summed up the circumstances in my life. To wit:

I have never gone to bed hungry.
I have never had to choose between buying groceries and paying an overdue bill.
I have always had a roof over my head that didn’t have wheels underneath.
I have always been able to give a little away to someone else.
I have always been able to find some sort of job.

As we ride the storm of recession and probable depression, I realize that these are not situations that I have caused to happen simply through skill and hard work. Oh sure, I’m not lazy, and if worse came to worst, I’d have no problems scrubbing toilets for pay (although that would not be my first choice). However, all of these scenarios can be boiled down to luck.

I have been lucky to live in a prosperous country, in a prosperous era, in a middle-class environment. I have had the good fortune to be able to afford a university education–and this puts me in the top 8% of Canada’s population.

And now, I am keenly aware, probably moreso that some people might think, that Esso and I are in a very, very good and secure position. Many of his former co-workers at the job he had before this one have been “let go.” You could say “laid off,” but the truth is, the company is going down the tubes with the rest of its industry, and it’s never going to bring these people back to their positions.

One of my ex-brothers-in-law also works in that industry, and it’s a good chance he’s not going to be able to give my sister the child support he agreed to, in full, every month of 2009. He was laid off for all of December, and half of November.

So, what am I going to do with this luck? I don’t know, really. Enjoy it? Keep quiet about it? Save rolls of bills under the mattress? See, I didn’t write this to gloat, or pat myself or Esso on the back. It’s very humbling to realize how fortunate you have been and are. I almost feel guilty, and yet I don’t.

Is what I want to do frivolous, comparatively speaking? Well yes, it would have been considered so in any economic environment, but certainly more so in this one. And yet, some of the best and most poignant literature has been written in tough times. While I don’t mean to pick up a keyboard and write a great novel, I do have stories I want to tell, and things I want to express, and I think there is always room for such things, for art, no matter how dark things look.

I guess the key is to not become decadent or ridiculous in the face of real need.

Over on Sizzle Says, Sizzle notes that making resolutions never works for her. Instead, she states her intentions, those do-or-die changes that she must make for her life, and that these intentions tend to stick. I’m not too proud to admit that most of my resolutions fall through, and I think that even if I set intentions for changes, those will fall through, too, because, in the back of my mind, I will believe that I have really only swapped out one word for another, heavier one.

Besides, I cannot make great changes without some discomfort–I have yet to discover how to organize without first making a mess, for example–and when discomfited, I tend to expound on the negatives, first. So, all I can really “intend” or “resolve” to do, is just set out what needs to be done and what I wish to accomplish. I am a master (mistress?) of listmaking. I make a list every day (except those days when I am generally slobbing about), and, as long as I am realistic, I can cross off all of my items.

Here is what I have on my plate for the next four months:

1. I aim to get the best mark possible on all my projects. I suppose this goes without saying, but in my last semester, there was one course I struggled with from beginning to end, and by December, I just wanted to pass (5-0-and-go, baby). I know it has brought my average down very badly. I’m not going to let things get past my ability to catch up.

2. I am the Co-Director for the Film Festival, and as the festival takes place the first weekend of March, there’s a LOT of work to do.

3. My final film production project is a 15-minute murder mystery, and I have been working on the script while “on vacation” here in the Atom Mill Town. I hope to get an earlier start on producing it than I did my last project.

4. I am going to use my Reading Week more profitably than in past years–I will read, write, and maybe film during that week.

5. I need to find a summer job.